Iyanla Speaks! Black Women, Black Men and Domestic Violence | A BSN Exclusive Presentation

Iyanla Vanzant posits that the Black community carries deep, unacknowledged wounds from slavery and systemic dehumanization. This inherited trauma, grief, and sadness, never properly processed or given a 'funeral,' manifests as emotional illiteracy and dysfunction, contributing to the high rates of domestic violence. The societal setup actively pits Black men against Black women, exacerbating these underlying issues.

Vanzant states, 'All of us were our descendants of slaves. All of us carry a wound, a wound that has never been acknowledged. We carry grief that has never had a funeral. We carry sadness that was never given a name.' She adds, 'Black men are not the enemy of black women, and black women are not the enemy of black men. But that is how it's been set up.'

Black men are culturally conditioned to 'suck it up,' 'don't show weakness,' and 'don't ask for help,' leading to emotional illiteracy. They often lack the vocabulary to identify complex emotions beyond happy, sad, or angry. This suppression, combined with societal dehumanization, causes a buildup of unaddressed feelings that can overwhelm the nervous system and erupt as violence.

Vanzant notes, 'most men, black men, are emotionally illiterate. They know happy. They know sad. They know angry. They may know irritated. They don't know embarrassment... They have a very limited emotional vocab vocabulary.' Roland Martin adds, 'men are taught suck it up and move on. Don't show weakness. Don't ask for help. Don't be a punk.'

A significant 'disease' spreading among Black men is hopelessness, driven by feelings that 'no matter how hard I try, I'm not getting ahead' and 'it's never enough.' This sense of having nothing to lose can push individuals to 'go off the deep end,' leading to extreme acts of violence, including murder-suicides.

Vanzant states, 'one of the diseases that's spreading among black men that we really have to address is hopelessness... When that happens, they don't have anything to lose. So, they'll just go there, go off the deep end.' Roland Martin connects this to cases like the man who shot his children, where the mother reported him saying, 'the demons are too strong.'

Black women are often taught to love deeply, loyally, and sacrificially, which can lead to over-giving, over-explaining, over-excusing, and over-extending themselves in relationships. This pattern, while rooted in love, can inadvertently enable dysfunction and prevent both partners from confronting necessary truths, leading to personal loss and continued abuse.

Vanzant explains, 'black women have been taught to love deeply, to love loyally and to love sacrificially. We will sacrifice ourselves for the love of our partner, our family, our children.' She adds, 'we overgive, we overexplain, we overexcuse, and we overextend.'

Both men and women must take individual responsibility for their 'inner well-being' or 'spiritual hygiene.' This involves identifying personal 'wounds,' understanding their origins, and actively working to heal them through therapy, prayer, meditation, or other self-care practices. Without this internal work, external solutions or community efforts will be insufficient.

Vanzant emphasizes, 'we each Roland, you, me, everybody listening, watching, has to begin to take responsibility for their own internal well-being.' She provides worksheets for men ('What is the wound I carry?') and women ('Love without losing yourself'), stressing, 'you have to make your inner well-being... a priority.'