Bert Kreischer Returns! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley
Quick Read
Summary
Takeaways
- ❖Bert and his wife, Leanne, maintain separate bedrooms, a 'sleep divorce,' to accommodate his snoring and Leanne's sleep issues, leading to better rest for both.
- ❖He customizes his personal bedroom with blackout windows, a cranked AC, and folding tables for easy access to his belongings, likening it to a tour bus.
- ❖Bert has a 'cheat code' for sending flowers: he set up an arrangement with a local florist to automatically send his wife flowers on key dates and three surprise occasions annually since 2008.
- ❖He recounts multiple chaotic plane incidents, including accidentally breaking a man's nose with his luggage and defusing a confrontation with 'kindness' after being verbally attacked.
- ❖Bert maintains a strong work ethic, performing even when sick, and views taking 'sick days' as a desire for time off rather than genuine incapacitation.
- ❖He admits to taking a 'violent vomit' inducing 'dump' in a friend's guest bathroom at a party, causing significant damage and later justifying it by asking, 'Why would you put a toilet there if you didn't want me to shit in it?'
- ❖Bert believes in giving children their inheritance while alive to teach them financial management and avoid estate taxes.
Insights
1The 'Sleep Divorce' for Marital Harmony
Bert Kreischer and his wife Leanne implemented a 'sleep divorce,' where they sleep in separate bedrooms. This arrangement started because Bert's snoring disrupted Leanne's sleep. Bert has fully embraced his own room, blacking out windows, cranking the AC, and setting up folding tables for his belongings, creating a personalized 'tour bus' environment. He claims this has significantly improved both their sleep quality and overall happiness.
Leanne wasn't sleeping well and I didn't notice cuz I was snoring... So we got our own bedrooms... I have it so dark in there... It's pitch black and it is amazing... Commit and turn it into your room and you'll never be happier.
2Automating Affection: The Flower Shop 'Cheat Code'
To consistently show affection, Bert established a long-term arrangement with a local flower shop. He provided his credit card and a list of important dates (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays) for automatic flower deliveries, plus three surprise deliveries per year. The florist, Diana, has maintained this service since 2008, even tracking him down after he moved and changed his phone number. Leanne remains unaware of this automated system.
Go find a flower shop by your house. Introduce yourself to the owner and give them your credit card with a list of dates... tell them, surprise me three times a year... Diana's Flowers on Laurel Canyon has been doing this for me for since 2008... She has no [__] clue.
3Comedian's Unconventional Approach to Illness and Work Ethic
Despite having blood clots and being on blood thinners, Bert Kreischer maintains a rigorous work schedule and rarely takes sick days. He believes that people who call in sick for minor ailments are simply seeking time off. His 'sick protocol' involves getting an IV with Benadryl to induce sleep and 'bear through' the illness, as exemplified by his experience with swine flu in Mexico where he continued to perform.
I don't understand people who go I'm sick I can't come in today. I think that's just you want a day off... I've had CO 11 times... I had the swine flu and I was in Mexico... Drank on the plane. Drank when I got there. Slept for a day. Drank at the show.
Opportunities
Automated Relationship Gifting Service
A service that allows individuals to pre-schedule and automate thoughtful gestures like flower deliveries for significant dates (birthdays, anniversaries) and random 'surprise' occasions. Clients provide a credit card and preferences, and the service handles the rest, ensuring consistent demonstrations of affection without requiring active memory or effort from the client. This leverages Bert's 'cheat code' for marital harmony.
Lessons
- Consider a 'sleep divorce' with your partner if snoring or differing sleep habits are impacting rest, creating personalized sleep environments for improved well-being.
- Automate thoughtful gestures: Establish a recurring arrangement with a local florist or gift service to send flowers or small presents on important dates and random occasions, reducing mental load and ensuring consistent appreciation.
- Evaluate your work ethic during illness: Adopt a 'bear through it' mentality for minor ailments, focusing on recovery methods like IVs and sleep, rather than immediately taking time off, if your health allows.
The Automated Affection Playbook
Identify a reliable local florist or gifting service that offers recurring orders.
Provide them with your credit card details and a list of all significant dates (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays) for your partner.
Request additional 'surprise' deliveries throughout the year (e.g., 3-4 times) to maintain spontaneity.
Specify your partner's preferred flowers or gifts and a consistent budget per delivery.
Instruct the service to handle all scheduling and billing automatically, requiring no further input from you, and to use a personalized, affectionate message for your partner.
Notable Moments
Bert's 'three great pimple stories' including one where a pimple exploded, ripping his skin and releasing four hairs.
Highlights Bert's willingness to share gross, relatable, and highly specific personal anecdotes, contributing to his 'garbage' persona.
Bert recounts a plane incident where his steel luggage fell from the overhead compartment, breaking a man's nose and glasses. He then paid the man $4,000 in Canadian currency (loonies) from his merch sales, only for the man to return $3,000 later, believing a flight attendant had set him up.
Illustrates a chaotic, high-stakes travel story that showcases Bert's impulsive generosity and the bizarre situations he encounters, reinforcing his larger-than-life persona.
Bert admits to taking a 'violent vomit' inducing 'dump' in a friend's guest bathroom at a Christmas party, causing significant damage to the toilet and later justifying it by asking, 'Why would you put a toilet there if you didn't want me to shit in it?'
A prime example of his 'garbage' behavior and unapologetic attitude, leading to a humorous and shocking social transgression.
Quotes
"I'm not going to start putting stuff away because when we get when we get into the weeds of stuff of like of like Tupperware stuff or like a vegetable peeler, I'm not going to I don't know where that [__] goes."
"You're telling me I'm working to achieve all this stuff that you've achieved and it just ends in it ends in a room by myself on benadryil and folding tables."
"I love having my own room. You should commit. I swear to God, you'll be so much happier."
"Why would you put a toilet there if you didn't want me to [__] in it? Am I not allowed to piss in it either? Like, what do we do here? Like, if it's a toilet, I [__] in it."
Q&A
Recent Questions
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