Pago en la cárcel lo que sembré: fui traficante y torturaba | Dafne #Penitencia 199 #México
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Quick Read
Summary
Takeaways
- ❖Dafne was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, and suffered a severe birth injury that fractured her hips, leading to a difficult start in life.
- ❖Her father was a machista, and her mother, while seemingly subtle, held significant influence, ultimately rejecting Dafne at 18 for being gay.
- ❖After being disowned, Dafne married and, facing poverty, joined her uncles in drug trafficking in Los Cabos and La Paz, Baja California.
- ❖She engaged in violent acts, including cutting fingers and torture, to 'grow' within the cartel and 'buy' her husband's love and loyalty.
- ❖A near-fatal shootout prompted her to leave the cartel, but her husband left her when the money ran out, leading to alcoholism and petty theft.
- ❖Dafne found herself in prison at 27, where she experienced less discrimination and more acceptance as a trans woman than she did on the streets or from her family.
- ❖She has found a stable relationship with a younger inmate in prison, and his mother even acknowledges Dafne as her son's partner.
- ❖Dafne expresses a preference for her life in prison, citing the stability, community, and acceptance she finds there, contrasting it with the hostility and loneliness of the outside world.
- ❖She distinguishes between 'hombres' (men who are with trans women but would return to cis women) and 'mayates' (men who exploit trans women and move between them).
Insights
1Family Rejection as a Catalyst for Criminality
Dafne's parents disowned her at 18 for being gay, telling her they were 'dead' to her. This profound rejection, coupled with financial hardship, pushed her into the world of drug trafficking where she sought to 'buy love' and stability for her partner, leading to her involvement in violent crimes.
Dijo, 'Haz de cuenta que para ti estamos muertos y vete con lo que tienes.' Porque le dije que me iba a ir siendo me aceptada. Vete con lo que tienes. ¿Por qué no te aceptaron? Me dijeron que no, que yo me tenía que tener, yo de haber tenido hijos para del apellido para jugar esta para que la familia, para que no hablaran de ella, o sea, cosas familiares, cosas eh la ignorancia los llevó a eso. Religiosa, tu mamá. Sí. Y mi padre igual, entonces está cerca de donde vivemos. Entonces a él vino no le vino bien. Aparte pues el único varón. [] ... empecé a comprar el amor.
2The Brutality of Cartel Life and its Psychological Toll
Dafne describes her five years in drug trafficking as a 'beautiful' life with money and power, where she felt like a 'China Ántrax.' However, this involved performing acts of torture, such as cutting off fingers, and witnessing extreme violence. The psychological impact of these actions, including hearing screams and laments, continues to haunt her in her sleep.
Ay, preciosa. Eh, la verdad tienes todo y nada porque puedes tener todo y no puedes salir porque en cualquier momento te pueden o en cualquier momento este eh pruebas tu misma droga y te envicias y pierdes todo. ... Ir a cortar un dedo, a atortar a alguien. Obviamente al principio era difícil para eso no es una mujer. Por eso te digo que ahí empieza tuve que ser hombre para poder ser mujer. ... La primera vez que corté un dedo y empecé a volver cuando empecé a ver cómo se chorreaba. Y créeme que no es grato y escuchar los gritos, escuchar los lamentos. A veces cuando duermo, ¿lo escuchas todavía? Los escucho.
3Prison as a Sanctuary: Finding Acceptance and Identity
Despite being in a men's prison, Dafne feels more accepted and free to express her identity as a woman than she did outside. She notes that within the prison, there is a community that protects trans women, contrasting this with the rampant discrimination and violence faced on the streets. This acceptance has led her to prefer her current life over the uncertainties of freedom.
Pero yo te digo que aquí en la cárcel me sentí más aceptada que en la calle o con mis padres. ... Aquí te cuidan más. Aquí te cuidan más. aquí lo que es el usa la seguridad, la custodia, todo este cuidado. ... Aquí sí puedo poner aquí puedo obligar a que me digan cómo soy, cómo eres y cómo soy. Eso es lo que también es parte de que me Qué fuerte, qué fuerte. Dafre que encontraste la libertad estando privada en la libertad.
4The Evolution of Relationships in Confinement
Dafne's relationships evolved from 'buying love' with her first husband to finding genuine connection and stability with her current partner in prison. She highlights the unique dynamics of prison relationships, where shared confinement and mutual support foster a sense of family, even if temporary. Her partner's mother accepts Dafne as her son's partner, a level of familial acceptance Dafne never received from her own family.
Y ahorita tengo una pareja, más chica que yo. ... Luego viene a ver su mamá y me baja su visita y eso para mí es un alago. O sea, te presenta con su mamá como su pareja. Claro. Sí. ¿Y qué dice su mamá? Su mamá, pues obviamente está loco el niño, pero para mí es como que lo superaste. Me supere. ... Aquí tengo pareja. Gracias a la institución. No nos faltan esas tres comidas. Podemos trabajar.
Bottom Line
The prison environment, despite its inherent restrictions, can inadvertently create a more inclusive and protective space for marginalized identities like trans women compared to the outside world.
This suggests a critical failure in societal structures and support systems for LGBTQ+ individuals, where basic safety and acceptance are more readily found in correctional facilities. It highlights the urgent need for robust social programs and anti-discrimination efforts outside prison walls.
Develop community-based support networks and safe havens for trans individuals that offer the stability, protection, and sense of belonging that Dafne found in prison, focusing on economic opportunity and social integration to prevent re-offending.
Dafne's distinction between 'hombres' and 'mayates' within the prison context reveals a nuanced understanding of male relationships with trans women, highlighting exploitation versus genuine connection.
This insight underscores the pervasive issue of exploitation faced by trans women, even within confined spaces, and the psychological impact of being seen as a temporary or fetishized partner rather than a woman deserving of respect. It also shows how trans individuals develop coping mechanisms and classifications to navigate these complex social dynamics.
Implement educational programs within correctional facilities and broader society to foster respect for trans identities, differentiate between genuine relationships and exploitative behaviors, and empower trans individuals to identify and resist 'mayate' dynamics.
Key Concepts
The Paradox of Acceptance in Confinement
This model describes situations where individuals find greater social acceptance, identity validation, and stability within a confined or marginalized environment (like prison) compared to the broader society that rejected them. For Dafne, prison provided a structure and a community that affirmed her identity as a woman, something denied by her family and the outside world.
Survival as a Justification for Violence
This model illustrates how extreme circumstances, such as poverty, social rejection, and the need to protect loved ones, can lead individuals to rationalize and commit violent acts. Dafne's actions in the cartel were initially driven by a desire to 'buy love' and ensure her partner's well-being, framing her violence as a means to an end for survival and belonging.
Lessons
- Reflect on how societal rejection and lack of acceptance can drive individuals to desperate measures, fostering empathy for those who turn to crime due to marginalization.
- Advocate for stronger social support systems and anti-discrimination policies for LGBTQ+ individuals, particularly trans people, to ensure they find safety and belonging outside of correctional facilities.
- Challenge your own perceptions of 'freedom' and 'confinement' by considering how an environment like prison could, for some, offer more stability and identity validation than an unaccepting society.
Notable Moments
Dafne recounts her mother's harsh rejection at 18, telling her, 'For you, we are dead,' after Dafne came out as gay, a moment that deeply shaped her life's trajectory.
This moment of profound familial abandonment served as a critical turning point, severing her ties to her past and pushing her towards a life where she sought acceptance and love through other, often illicit, means.
Dafne describes having to place a corpse on top of her husband to protect him during a shootout, a traumatic event that led her to decide to leave the cartel life.
This visceral experience of extreme violence and the immediate threat to her loved one forced her to confront the brutal reality of her criminal life, prompting a shift away from the cartel, even if it led to other forms of struggle.
Dafne shares that her current partner's mother visits and accepts Dafne as her son's partner, a stark contrast to her own family's rejection.
This moment highlights the unexpected familial acceptance Dafne found within the prison system, offering a poignant counterpoint to her lifelong struggle for validation and underscoring the deep human need for belonging.
Quotes
"Haz de cuenta que para ti estamos muertos y vete con lo que tienes."
"La primera vez que corté un dedo y empecé a volver cuando empecé a ver cómo se chorreaba. Y créeme que no es grato y escuchar los gritos, escuchar los lamentos. A veces cuando duermo, los escucho."
"Aquí en la cárcel me sentí más aceptada que en la calle o con mis padres."
"Qué cabrón que la cárcel te haya dado esa aceptación."
"Aquí sí puedo obligar a que me digan cómo soy."
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