Solar System Tier List

The hosts unanimously agree that the Sun deserves S-tier due to its immense power, life-sustaining properties, and overall 'oreness.' Mark humorously notes its ability to 'melt snow' and 'burn our enemies,' while Bob emphasizes its role as the 'Giver of Life.'

Mark: 'If anything was worthy of being an S tier, it would be the sun because in power in other categories, oreness melts snow, flares, m burns our enemies when we leave them outside, tied to stakes.' Bob: 'Giver of Life gets to be S tier, I guess. You know, we sort of do need that guy.'

Earth is ranked A-tier, with the hosts acknowledging its positive attributes like water and ecosystems, but also its 'people problem.' Its impressive moon, Luna, and strong electromagnetic field are key factors in its high ranking, despite the 'habitable zone' being wider than previously thought.

Bob: 'Earth as a planet. Pretty cool. Lots of water, nice ecosystems. You add in humanity, knocked it down.' Mark: 'Obviously, Earth bagged a hell of a moon, right? Huge moon for its size.' Wade: 'Earth's tough, you know, Earth is real tough. I I got to give Earth a lot of credit for that.'

Earth's Moon (Luna) is placed in S-tier, not just for its beauty, but for the 'cosmic coincidence' of appearing the same relative size as the Sun in the sky, enabling total solar eclipses. This unique phenomenon elevates its status beyond other moons.

Mark: 'It's not a moon. It is the moon.' Bob: 'The cosmic coincidence of the sun and the moon being the same relative size in the sky. And the only place where a total eclipse could possibly happen that we know of.'

Mars is relegated to D-tier, primarily because it 'lost life' (implying a past habitable state) and its association with Elon Musk, which Mark explicitly states 'drops Mars.' Its moons, Phobos and Deimos, are dismissed as mere 'rocks' and 'deleted' from consideration.

Wade: 'And Musk likes Mars. That drops Mars, too, right?' Mark: 'Yeah. What's that make it like a D?' Bob: 'Mars is a wannabe in a lot of ways. I maybe I'll give it credit for at one point having life, but who has life and loses it?'

Saturn is deemed an S-tier planet, surpassing even Earth, due to its iconic, 'unreal' rings, its 'oblate' or 'fat ass' shape (flattened poles, bulging equator), and the mysterious, never-ending hexagonal storm at its North Pole, which is humorously attributed to aliens.

Mark: 'I think Saturn a tier for me. Saturn is awesome. That ring, that ring is unreal.' Bob: 'Look up Saturn's hexagon.' Wade: 'Oh, pro definitely. Way cooler than a red spot. And that [expletive] will never go away.' Mark: 'I think Saturn's cooler than Earth.'

Despite its reclassification as a dwarf planet, Pluto earns an A-tier ranking. The hosts appreciate its 'fallen hero' narrative, its perfectly spherical shape (unlike other dwarf planets), and its proportionally massive moon, Charon, which Bob describes as 'my hairline' due to its shaded appearance.

Mark: 'If Pluto is the yin to Orcus' yang, it has to be a tier.' Bob: 'It didn't ask to be labeled a planet. It was just there... Here's my big [expletive] moon. Look at my huge moon.' Wade: 'It has dealt with being last in line and then forgotten its whole life. And it's not complained once.'

The dwarf planet Haumea, discovered to be rapidly rotating and egg-shaped, earns a B-tier ranking for its sheer uniqueness. The hosts are astonished by its oblong form, questioning how it maintains its integrity and humorously speculating if it's 'the egg of the next sun.'

Bob: 'What the [expletive]? You want to talk about fat ass? You know Saturn ain't got nothing on Juamea?' Mark: 'Rapidly rotating egg-shaped dwarf planet in the Kyper belt beyond Neptune.' Bob: 'I've never seen this before in my life. I've never heard of this. I didn't even know planets could be oblong like that.'