Iyanla Speaks! Black Women, Black Men and Domestic Violence | A BSN Exclusive Presentation

Iyanla Vanzant posits that Black men and women are not inherently enemies, but rather, societal systems built to demoralize, diminish, and dehumanize them have created deep, unacknowledged wounds. These inherited traumas, grief, and sadness, never given a name or funeral, manifest as anger, resentment, and violence in relationships. She highlights that both men and women carry these wounds, which are then exploited by divisive narratives.

Vanzant states, 'Black men are not the enemy of black women, and black women are not the enemy of black men. But that is how it's been set up.' She adds, 'All of us were our descendants of slaves. All of us carry a wound, a wound that has never been acknowledged. We carry grief that has never had a funeral.'

Black men are often conditioned to suppress emotions, taught to 'suck it up,' 'don't show weakness,' and 'don't ask for help.' This leads to emotional illiteracy, where complex feelings are reduced to anger or irritation. This suppression, combined with systemic devaluation and a pervasive sense of hopelessness ('no matter how hard I try, I'm not getting ahead'), can lead to extreme aggression and violence, as men feel they have nothing left to lose.

Vanzant explains, 'Most men, black men, are emotionally illiterate. They know happy, they know sad, they know angry... they don't know embarrassment, they may not know anxiety, frustration.' She later adds, 'So many brothers are hopeless. And when that happens, they don't have anything to lose.'

Black women are often taught to love deeply, loyally, and sacrificially, which can lead to over-giving, over-explaining, over-excusing, and over-extending themselves in relationships. This pattern can result in women sacrificing their own well-being and intuition, accommodating dysfunction, and staying in abusive situations, believing that love requires self-sacrifice. This behavior, too, is framed as a mental health issue, as it prevents self-preservation and healthy boundaries.

Vanzant states, 'Black women have been taught to love deeply, to love loyally and to love sacrificially. We will sacrifice ourselves for the love of our partner, our family, our children.' She shares her own experience: 'I lived for nine years in a marriage with a man that beat me every time the sun came up. And I stayed for nine years telling myself that my kids needed a father.'

Children who witness domestic violence or grow up in environments where conflict is denied or poorly resolved often develop PTSD and emotional illiteracy themselves. They learn to accommodate dysfunction or suppress their feelings, perpetuating generational cycles. Teaching children emotional regulation and healthy conflict resolution is crucial, as is providing safe, present, and communicative environments where they can process their feelings.

Roland Martin recounts his niece's PTSD triggered by a sound, stemming from being left alone as a child. Vanzant adds, 'It's good for children to see conflict resolution. One of the reasons that murder and the things happen is because we're not teaching our children conflict resolution.'