Extended interview: Rachel Goldberg-Polin on grief after the death of her son, Hersh
YouTube · XClniyNGfAs
Quick Read
Summary
Takeaways
- ❖Hersh Goldberg-Polin was taken hostage by Hamas on October 7, 2023, after attending the Nova Music Festival, and was executed 328 days later in a Gaza tunnel.
- ❖Rachel and John Goldberg-Polin engaged in 18-20 hours a day of advocacy, meeting world leaders and speaking to media, driven by the urgency of their son's situation.
- ❖Hersh's last messages to his mother were 'I love you' and 'I'm sorry,' sent from a bomb shelter where he lost his arm to a grenade.
- ❖The family wore daily tape with the number of days Hersh was captive, a personal act of accountability and a visual reminder of urgency.
- ❖A released hostage, Or Levy, provided critical information about Hersh's time in captivity, including his medical treatment and his use of Victor Frankl's quote as a mantra.
- ❖Rachel's faith was not tested but strengthened by the tragedy, feeling closest to God at the moment she learned of Hersh's death, believing it was 'directly from God.'
- ❖A journal entry Hersh wrote at age 15, describing life as a series of 'tunnels' one must pass through with 'might and hope,' was seen as a prophetic insight into his fate.
Insights
1The 'Good Part' Was When He Was Alive
Rachel Goldberg-Polin describes the 330 days her son was held hostage as 'torturous' due to the knowledge of his suffering, but upon learning of his execution, she realized those days were 'the good part' because he was still alive. This insight highlights the unimaginable depth of loss, where even extreme torment is preferable to the finality of death.
When they came to tell us that Hirs had been executed, then I realized that those 330 days had been the good part because he was alive.
2The Power of a Prophetic Journal Entry
Hersh, at age 15, wrote a journal entry describing life as a series of 'tunnels' one must navigate with 'might and hope,' acknowledging that some are long but all have an end. This entry, discovered years later, deeply shook his family, who saw it as a chilling prophecy of his eventual captivity and death in Hamas tunnels, offering a profound, if tragic, insight into his inner world.
He wrote, 'Life is like the world. In order to exist, you have to move and work hard. Every so often, you arrive at a tunnel and you enter the unknown, and you don't know when you will get out... But also the one who is in the tunnel knows that there will be an end to it and that this is not the final tunnel.'
3Faith Strengthened, Not Tested, by Tragedy
Contrary to common expectations, Rachel Goldberg-Polin states that her faith was not tested by her son's death, but rather she felt closer to God than ever before. She perceived the tragedy not as a punishment but as an event 'directly from God,' accepting that some things, like the 'why' of Hersh's fate, are beyond human comprehension.
I didn't. And it is very confusing for people to digest this, but the second that they came to tell us that Hirs was killed is the closest I've ever felt to God in my life.
4Grief as an Evolving Relationship
Goldberg-Polin describes grief as a 'precious badge of love' that continues to grow, allowing for an ongoing relationship with her deceased son. She finds new ways to 'meet' him, such as through stories from his friends or by engaging in internal conversations, illustrating that love and connection can transcend physical presence.
I had this whole different thought of maybe grief is actually just this precious badge of love that you wear because someone has died and your love is continuing to grow.
Bottom Line
The unexpected comfort derived from a released hostage's testimony, even when it confirms suffering, can be a 'life-affirming CPR from beyond.'
In extreme trauma, any concrete information, even painful, can provide a sense of connection and purpose, transforming a 'black hole' of uncertainty into a source of unexpected strength and a renewed 'why' for the living.
For those supporting victims of trauma or loss, understanding that specific, even difficult, details can be more helpful than vague condolences, and that connection to the victim's experience can be a powerful healing tool.
Key Concepts
Hope is Mandatory
Rachel Goldberg-Polin adopted 'Hope is mandatory' as a daily mantra during her son's captivity, recognizing that without it, she would be paralyzed by pain. This model emphasizes the active choice to maintain hope as a survival mechanism in overwhelming circumstances, enabling action and preventing complete emotional collapse.
When you have a why, you can bear any how
This quote from Victor Frankl's 'Man's Search for Meaning' became Hersh Goldberg-Polin's mantra in captivity, as revealed by a fellow hostage. It highlights the profound power of purpose in enduring extreme suffering. Rachel now seeks her own 'why' to navigate her grief, suggesting that identifying a core purpose allows one to withstand even the most unbearable 'hows' of life.
Grief as a Badge of Love
Rachel Goldberg-Polin reframes grief not as a negative, uncomfortable emotion to be overcome, but as a 'precious badge of love.' This model suggests that grief is a continuing expression of love for someone who has died, and that this love can continue to grow and evolve, allowing for an ongoing relationship with the deceased.
Lessons
- Cultivate a mandatory mantra or belief system to propel yourself through overwhelming pain, recognizing that consistent self-talk can be a vital coping mechanism.
- Seek out and embrace information, even if painful, about a lost loved one's final experiences, as these details can provide unexpected comfort and allow for a continued, evolving relationship.
- Reframe grief not as a burden to be overcome, but as an enduring expression of love, allowing for a sustained connection and growth of affection for the deceased.
Notable Moments
Hersh's last night at home, receiving a Shabbat blessing and telling stories of his European travels, ending with 'I love you. I'll see you tomorrow.'
This moment encapsulates the abrupt transition from normal family life to unimaginable tragedy, highlighting the preciousness of ordinary moments and the suddenness of loss.
Receiving Hersh's final text messages: 'I love you' and 'I'm sorry' at 8:11 AM on October 7th.
These messages mark the definitive end of Rachel's 'before' life, symbolizing the final communication and the immediate onset of the family's ordeal.
The discovery of video footage showing Hersh, with his arm blown off, being forced into a pickup truck by terrorists.
This gruesome proof of life, though horrifying, provided the family with the 'good' news that he was taken alive, shifting their advocacy from a missing person to a hostage.
Meeting Or Levy, a released hostage who spent three days with Hersh in a tunnel, providing the first concrete details of Hersh's captivity and his mantra.
Or Levy's testimony was a pivotal moment, transforming a 'black hole' of uncertainty into specific, albeit painful, knowledge, and giving Rachel a profound connection to Hersh's resilience.
The funeral procession for Hersh, with thousands of people lining the streets holding signs saying 'Sorry.'
This moment illustrates the collective grief and solidarity felt by the community, and Rachel's initial confusion underscores her profound disorientation in the immediate aftermath of his death.
Quotes
"Everything that had ever happened in my life from the day I was born until that second was over."
"When you have a why, you can bear any how."
"Grief is actually just this precious badge of love that you wear because someone has died and your love is continuing to grow."
"I need Hersh in my life like I need water, even if he's dead. So I'm obliged to find him here in new and transcendent ways."
Q&A
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