Danielle Crittenden on Losing Her Daughter | Mona Charen Show

Danielle Crittenden describes the loss of her daughter, Miranda, as a 'thunderbolt' or a 'bomb' hitting her house, transforming her life into an 'alternative universe.' This profound emotional and physical pain, including suicidal ideation, highlights the unique and devastating impact of losing a child, which she distinguishes from other forms of loss.

Crittenden states, "everything in your life although it looks the same is completely different and although I look the same I am completely different" and likens it to a bomb hitting her house. She also mentions feeling suicidal, a 'weird, awful, guilty thing for a mother to think about.'

In the digital age, a deceased person's online presence creates 'emotional IEDs'—unexpected triggers like Facebook photo carousels or old emails. Furthermore, accessing digital assets (phones, emails, cloud storage) without passwords is nearly impossible, requiring court orders for each platform, which often yield limited access, leaving parts of a loved one's life locked away.

Crittenden describes 'wonderful curated carousels from Facebook' that 'explode' like IEDs. She details the struggle to access Miranda's phone and emails, requiring separate court orders for Apple, Google, and the phone company, ultimately gaining only photos and email headlines from Apple.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy proved effective in helping Crittenden manage her grief. The therapy, which involves recounting trauma while engaging in bilateral stimulation (like watching a dot or using hand buzzers), helps the brain process and 'file' traumatic memories that it otherwise cannot, allowing the individual to control their grief rather than being overwhelmed by it.

Crittenden explains that EMDR helps traumatic memories get 'filed' in the brain, preventing them from being 'ever present.' She notes that after EMDR, she could 'control the grief and not have the grief control you,' enabling her to do interviews and manage daily life.

Jewish traditions surrounding death, such as prompt burial, Shiva (seven days of communal gathering and support), and a year-long period before placing a headstone, offer a psychologically insightful framework for processing grief. These rituals ensure immediate community support, prevent isolation, and provide a structured timeline for mourning.

Crittenden, a convert to Judaism, initially found the idea of Shiva 'terrible' but realized it was 'the absolute best thing in the world' for ensuring she was 'with people' and cared for during the initial week. She highlights the mercy of having a year to plan a headstone, recognizing the need for 'four seasons of grief.'

Families grieve differently, and a shared tragedy can easily lead to resentment or isolation. Conscious effort, communication, and mutual support are essential to prevent the family from fracturing. Additionally, it's important to remember the deceased as a whole person, including their flaws and quirks, rather than deifying them, which robs them of their individuality and makes their memory less real.

Crittenden recounts her son Nat's early statement: 'the worst thing we could do to Miranda's memory is to have it destroy our family.' She also emphasizes the importance of telling 'funny stories' about her stepfather, including his 'grumpy side,' to keep his memory alive and real, applying this to Miranda as well.