You in the New Year | #ABalancedLife S3 E33
Quick Read
Summary
Takeaways
- ❖Acknowledge and process all forms of grief from the previous year, including lost plans, jobs, or identity, to avoid dragging emotional baggage forward.
- ❖Perform a comprehensive 'year in review' to understand how past events (good, bad, and ugly) have shaped you, then monitor and adjust your approach.
- ❖Identify and challenge self-sabotaging thought and emotional patterns that dictate behavior across all life areas.
- ❖Align financial behaviors with core values and long-term goals, recognizing that comparison is a thief of joy.
- ❖Clarify true personal aspirations by shedding external expectations and practicing self-compassion.
- ❖Embrace 'monitoring and adjusting' as a positive strategy, not quitting, to adapt plans when they aren't working.
- ❖Cultivate deep self-knowledge and confidence to set boundaries and make decisions that prioritize your well-being.
- ❖Ensure your 'cup is full' with love, peace, and joy before attempting to pour into others, preventing the spread of negativity.
Insights
1Grief Extends Beyond Loved Ones
Dr. Tierney highlights that grief isn't solely about losing people, but also encompasses the loss of plans, jobs, or a sense of identity from the previous year. Failing to acknowledge and unpack this broader grief can lead to a lack of motivation and carry negative emotions into the new year.
Dr. Tierney states, 'grief is just mourning the loss of anything... making sure that we are really taking a really long look at our grief. What are we grieving? Because if we don't, then we'll be dragging that stuff into 2026.'
2The Power of a 'Year in Review' for Personal Growth
Lvita Marshall suggests conducting a personal 'year in review,' similar to television specials, to take stock of the good, bad, and ugly events of the past year. This process helps individuals understand how these experiences shaped them and what they want to do differently moving forward.
Lvita Marshall advises, 'We need to take stock on let's go back and look at this whole year in review and you know take into account the good, the bad and the ugly and how do I process that? What do I want to do with all of that?'
3Unaddressed Issues Dictate Future Outcomes
Charlotte Avery emphasizes that unresolved issues from the past year will inevitably impact the current one. Fear, unexpected events, and impacts on trusted relationships require deep introspection and release to prevent them from hindering future prosperity.
Charlotte Avery states, 'what you don't deal with will deal with you... whatever I did not deal with in 2025... I really need to dig deep right now at the top of the year and really dig deep and work on those things and let go of those things so that the rest of 2026 so that I can be prepared and be able to prosper.'
4Financial Vulnerability and Behavioral Alignment
Pam Sams points out that the previous year exposed significant financial vulnerabilities for many due to layoffs and furloughs. She advises a financial 'executive summary' to recap the good, bad, and ugly, and then aligning behaviors with financial values and goals to avoid repeating past patterns.
Pam Sams explains, '2025... uncovered a lot of um, vulnerability, so to speak, uh, with their finances. So what I tell people... is really to do a recap... what do you want to achieve with your your money will really dictate your behaviors.'
5Patterns Drive Behavior and Self-Sabotage
Dr. Tierney asserts that thought and emotional patterns, often learned early in life and normalized, are the primary culprits behind self-sabotage and stagnation. Recognizing these patterns, often with external help like a coach or therapist, is crucial for breaking cycles and achieving new levels of personal growth.
Dr. Tierney states, 'What are your thought patterns? What are your emotional patterns? Because then that drives our behavior patterns. A lot of us are self-sabotaging out here because we're not taking a second to look at how we think about things.'
Bottom Line
The concept of 'selfishness' in self-care is often misconstrued; it can be a necessary and unashamed act, especially for women who typically prioritize others' needs.
Societal norms often penalize individuals, particularly women, for prioritizing their own needs. Reclaiming 'selfishness' as a positive act of self-preservation allows for healthier boundaries and prevents burnout.
Develop and promote frameworks that normalize and encourage 'unashamed selfishness' as a vital component of self-care, particularly for demographics prone to people-pleasing.
Key Concepts
Expansive Grief
Grief is not limited to the loss of a loved one; it encompasses mourning the loss of anything significant, such as unfulfilled plans, jobs, identity, or a sense of self. Recognizing this broader scope is essential for proper emotional processing and moving forward.
Monitor and Adjust
Inspired by classroom teaching, this model advocates for continuously assessing current situations and being flexible enough to pivot or change course when initial plans or expectations are not yielding desired results. It's about adaptability, not quitting.
Comparison is the Thief of Joy
Comparing one's life, achievements, or possessions to others (e.g., 'keeping up with the Joneses') leads to dissatisfaction and distracts from personal goals and values. Focus on your own path and progress.
Fill Your Own Cup
Before attempting to support or give to others, ensure your own emotional, mental, and spiritual needs are met. This ensures you are giving from a place of abundance and health, rather than depletion or negativity.
Lessons
- Dedicate time for a personal 'year in review' to identify and process all forms of grief (lost plans, jobs, identity) from the past year before setting new goals.
- Conduct an 'expectations audit' by examining your thought, emotional, and behavioral patterns. Seek external support (coach/therapist) if self-identification is difficult.
- Prioritize self-compassion and mental flexibility. Practice 'monitor and adjust' by being willing to pivot plans and expectations when they are not working, rather than rigidly adhering to them.
- Align your financial behaviors with your core values and long-term goals, consciously avoiding comparison with others' perceived successes.
- Practice self-talk in the mirror, affirming your strengths and addressing areas needing improvement with compassion, not judgment. Free yourself from worries about uncontrollable outcomes or others' feelings in your decision-making.
The New Year Expectations Audit & Self-Clarity Steps
**Step 1: Acknowledge and Process Grief (03:14)**: Take a deep look at what you are grieving from the past year beyond just loss of loved ones. This includes lost plans, jobs, or a sense of identity. Unpack these emotions to prevent them from hindering your progress.
**Step 2: Conduct a Holistic Year in Review (05:11)**: Like a TV special, review the good, the bad, and the ugly of the past year. Understand how these events shaped you and what residual feelings or issues you might be carrying forward.
**Step 3: Identify Your Patterns (12:29, 16:23)**: Examine your thought, emotional, and behavioral patterns. Ask: 'What are my default reactions? Do I pop off? Do I hold onto slights?' Recognize these patterns are often learned early and can lead to self-sabotage. Consider external help (coach/therapist) to identify blind spots.
**Step 4: Audit Unrealistic Expectations & Self-Imposed Pressures (12:45)**: Look at the gap between your ideals and reality. Identify unnecessary self-imposed pressures and expectations, especially those driven by people-pleasing or external validation.
**Step 5: Prioritize Holistic Health (13:07)**: Assess your mental, emotional, physical, and psychological well-being. Reach out for support in any area where it's needed.
**Step 6: Align Behaviors with Values (19:11)**: For financial and other goals, ensure your daily behaviors align with your core values and aspirations. If you want to retire early, are your spending habits reflective of that? Avoid comparing your path to others.
**Step 7: Practice 'Monitor and Adjust' (24:09)**: Be flexible with your plans. If something isn't working, don't be afraid to pivot or change direction. This is not quitting, but an intelligent adaptation to achieve success.
**Step 8: Cultivate Self-Knowledge and Confidence (26:52, 27:17)**: Spend time alone to truly know yourself, your limitations, and your strengths. This self-awareness builds the confidence needed to set boundaries, make difficult decisions, and prioritize your own well-being unashamedly.
Notable Moments
The panel's collective agreement and expansion on the 'Monitor and Adjust' concept, originally from an educational context, to apply to all life situations, emphasizing its role in maintaining sanity and reducing stress.
This moment highlights a powerful mental model for adaptability, reframing adjustment not as failure but as a necessary and healthy strategy for navigating life's challenges and avoiding burnout.
The passionate debate between Dr. Tierney and Charlotte Avery regarding the term 'selfishness' in self-care, with Dr. Tierney cautioning against narcissism and Avery advocating for unashamed self-prioritization, especially for women.
This exchange unpacks a common societal tension around self-care, providing nuanced perspectives on how individuals, particularly women, can prioritize their needs without guilt, while still acknowledging the importance of community.
Quotes
"What are your thought patterns? What are your emotional patterns? Because then that drives our behavior patterns."
"You have to be really true to yourself... to thine own self be true, not to thine own others, but to thine own self."
"You have to make sure that your cup is full of the things that are nourishing and healthy and for you before you can give that to somebody else because whatever you are full of that is what you're going to pour out of."
"I don't think that there is anything wrong with you being selfish and taking care of you."
Q&A
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