What Makes a Good Life? This Study on 26,000 Regrets Will Guide You for the Rest of Your Life

Daniel Pink's global study on 26,000 regrets reveals that people worldwide share four fundamental types of regret, which collectively indicate what humans value for a good life. These are: Foundation regrets (e.g., 'if only I'd done the work' regarding finances or health), Boldness regrets (e.g., 'if only I'd taken the chance' on a career or relationship), Moral regrets (e.g., 'if only I'd done the right thing'), and Connection regrets (e.g., 'if only I'd reached out' to a friend or family member). The most common of these are connection regrets.

The study on 26,000 regrets from 134 countries found these four categories to be universal. Mel Robbins also shared audience regrets that aligned with these categories, such as 'not talking to my father before he passed' (Connection) or 'not going to medical school' (Boldness).

Contrary to popular belief that one should always be positive and avoid looking back, regret is an adaptive and ubiquitous human emotion that serves a vital purpose. It acts as a signal, providing data and information about what an individual values and guiding them toward better future actions. Ignoring or wallowing in regret prevents learning and growth.

Pink states, 'Regret is part of the human experience. It's a signal. It's a knock at the door. Answer the door. See what it has to tell you.' He compares it to grief or fear, which are negative emotions that serve adaptive purposes, like reminding us of love or danger. He also cites research showing that systematically interrogating regrets improves performance in areas like negotiation and problem-solving.

To constructively deal with regret, Pink proposes a three-stage process. 'Inward' involves practicing self-compassion, treating oneself with kindness, and recognizing that a mistake is a 'moment in your life, not the full measure of your life.' 'Outward' means externalizing the regret by writing or talking about it, which unburdens and converts abstract feelings into concrete understanding. 'Forward' is about drawing a clear lesson from the regret and determining specific next steps to apply that lesson.

Pink details this framework, explaining that self-criticism is ineffective, while self-compassion improves performance. He references Jamie Pennebaker's research on writing about regret for 15 minutes a day for 3 days to feel better. For the 'Forward' stage, he suggests asking, 'What lesson is this teaching [your name]?' and 'What should [your name] do next?'

When people look back on their lives, they tend to regret the chances they didn't take (inaction) more than the risks they did take (action), even if those actions failed. This is because actions, even if regrettable, often have 'downward counterfactuals' (e.g., 'at least I have these great kids'), which allow for a sense of silver lining. Inaction, however, leaves no such comfort, as it's metaphysically impossible to undo something that was never done.

Pink states, 'Overwhelmingly, when people don't take the shot, they regret it.' He uses the example of Olympic medalists: bronze medalists are happier than silver medalists because bronze medalists can imagine a worse outcome (no medal), while silver medalists focus on missing gold. Mel Robbins also notes that her audience rarely reported regretting bold decisions, even if they failed.